Dear Uncle Loquacious,
I am not sure what to do about this situation. It seems that I am unable to keep a relationship no matter how much I try. While part of this may be due to the fact that I am a neurotic Crazy McCrazypants that always freaks out over every little thing while I am in a relationship, I think that the more important issue is that I get extremely bored extremely quickly.
Over the past few years, my sexual preferences have flipped entirely. Now, I am not really all that attracted to males or females. I only seem to really get excited by post-op female-to-male transsexuals. To be frank, I like boys with vaginas. Yeah. I know.
Now, I do live in San Francisco, which makes this alternative sex not that unusual, but it’s not like I can ask every person I meet to pull down his trousers to check what kind of genitalia he has hiding away in his pants. Why is it that my wants have changed to something that isn’t so obviously attainable? I’ve always liked both males and females, but now if I were to have sex with either a biological male or female, I would just get bored.
Is there something completely off with me, or is this just some strange attempt for me to combine both sexes so that I can have the best worlds? Can’t I just be satisfied with any sex?
Sincerely,
Fluid Attraction
Dear FA,
Wow! Interesting issue. Thanks for writing.
A couple of things strike me right off about your letter. First, I’m thinking, “Hmm… here’s someone always looking for something new.” You mention getting bored with relationships quickly, and your sexual appetites have changed over time to things more exotic. There’s nothing wrong with any of this, of course, but have you considered you might not be really wanting a relationship right now? It seems to me you are in full-blown explorer mode, and setting down with a cocker spaniel and the white picket fence doesn’t really suit the explorer mindset.
Being in San Francisco, as you mentioned, you do have options for meeting folks. You can use one of the sketchy online hook-up services and just state flat out in your profile what you seek. The problem with such sites is that you’re advertising a fetish, not a personality. You may find the hottest trannie ever created, and discover you have nothing in common. You could also try personals. I’m sure eHarmony is right out, but there must be something besides Manhunt, right? Explore your options; that’s your forte.
If your relationship boredom is solely due to the “been there, done that” of one sexual partner, have you considered an open relationship? Find the right match for your personality: someone you’d like to share your bed with in the morning as well as at night. Someone you’d cook for, or who would cook for you. Find another explorer, FA. One who has interests similar to yours. Then, go and explore together.
If none of this seems to resonate, I could pull out some psychobabble about how you’re setting yourself up to look for something or someone that doesn’t exists, specifically so you don’t have to settle down and stop putting notches in your bedpost. I doubt that’s true, though, and only you could know for sure.
At any rate, happy hunting, play safe and I hope you find what you’re seeking.
Love,
Uncle Loquacious
If you would like your dating or male/female interaction questions answered, please send an email to loquacious@loquaciouscurmudgeon.net with the word “Advice” in the subject.
Remember, I might make fun of you.
Hilarity will once again ensue… shortly. I have no Internet access at home, so it’s the library or the ubiquitous cafe for now. Have patience.
I’m coming home on Tuesday evening!
whoo hoo!
Dear Uncle Loquacious,
I was hoping that you could help me with a problem I have been having for years with my mother-in-law. I truly love her, she is great, except for the fact that she still treats my husband like he is a little kid!
The man is 40 years old and she still buys him his underwear. It bothers me to no end, but to make it worse, I suspect that she always secretely wished that her son was a daughter because the underwear she buys him are for women!!
Of course, he only wears them when she comes to visit so as not to offend her, but I still wish it didn’t have to be this way.
What should I do??
Married to a Momma’s boy in Montana
Dear MMBIM,
First, let me get this out of the way: AAAAAAAAAAAAHahaha!!!
I don’t envy your position, unless perhaps you run a very strange fetish website, in which case, your husband and mother-in-law are cash cows.
Come to think of it, MMBIM, I think that’s your only option, short of filing for divorce, and then spending the rest of your life in a nunnery.
When life hands you lemons such as these, you just gotta make a stiff margarita and say, “What the fuck.”
So here’s what you do:
Next time your MIL comes for a visit, get a bunch of tiny webcams, then place them strategically about the house. Catch all that naughty action, then put the best video captures on a subscription-only webpage. Let me design it for you, and we can split the profits, then live out our lives in luxury somewhere near Cabo.
Either that, or keep the videos private and blackmail your husband for every dime he has.
Now that you know Victoria’s real secret, it’s entirely up to you. I’m sure, whatever you decide, you’ll make the right choise. I’ll be waiting for you in Acapulco.
Love,
Uncle Loquacious
This was the winning entry in my recent Entrecard contest. In fact, it was the only entrant, so the author of this post received all three prizes. See what you get when you ignore me? Nothing! That’s right, you rat bastards. Nada. Zilch. Zip. Squat.
Next time, pay attention.
If you would like your dating or male/female interaction questions answered, please send an email to loquacious@loquaciouscurmudgeon.net with the word “Advice” in the subject.
Remember, I might make fun of you.
That’s right! My Entrecard credit giveaway contest ends in a little over 12 hours (midnight tonight, or 8:00 AM tomorrow morning, GMT).
If you haven’t entered (and you know you’re procrastinating), hurry up! If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you can read about the contest here
