Dear Uncle Loquacious,

Mjit

Dear Mjit,

As someone who loves hearing about the sordid details of other people’s lives firsthand, I have trouble relating to your problem. In considering your situation, I’ve tried to place myself in the position of someone who is on the verge of being seriously ill. If someone wants to tell me a story with whips and chains in it, that’s all well and good. If the story has whips, chains and poultry, I’d like the option to pass.

The real problem is this: there are all sorts of people in the world, and no one method will work to make them shut up uniformly. Whereas some will catch a clue when given a strange look, others will need to be clubbed upside the head with a LART (that’s Loser Attitude Readjustment Tool, to the uninitiated) repeatedly before shutting their pie holes. The hard part is determining just how much resistance to register in order to stop the offender from bending your ear, or even turning it bright red.

I do get tediously bored myself by certain subjects. For such occasions, I have a blue t-shirt that reads “Cancel my subscription, I’m tired of your issues”. Oftentimes, just wearing that shirt is enough to keep people at bay. Sadly, I have only one and I can’t do laundry daily, so it’s not a permanent cure.

Here are some other things you can try:

1 - If the TMIer is whispering because s/he wants only you to hear, try repeating the last thing you were told extremely loudly and then breaking into fits of hysterical laughter. Hysterical laughter works wonders, especially when someone is bragging about past sexual exploits.

2 - Carry around a copy of The Watchtower and offer it to the unrepentant sinner wasting your time.

3 - Scream and run away. There’s a reason it’s a classic.

4 - Pull out your cell phone and start calling someone you do want to talk to. If the TMIer doesn’t get the hint, poke him in the eye with the antenna.

5 - Stockpile the stories and start publishing them on the Internet. It’s what I would do. For some reason, the Universe has you pegged as the mother confessor of sordid sex details. If it’s not for your own amusement and profit, well, what other reason could there be?

Good luck.

Love,
Uncle Loquacious

If you would like your dating or male/female interaction questions answered, please send an email to loquacious@loquaciouscurmudgeon.net with the word “Advice” in the subject.

Remember, I might make fun of you.

Dear Uncle Loquacious,

Sincerely,
Fluid Attraction

Dear FA,

Wow! Interesting issue. Thanks for writing.

A couple of things strike me right off about your letter. First, I’m thinking, “Hmm… here’s someone always looking for something new.” You mention getting bored with relationships quickly, and your sexual appetites have changed over time to things more exotic. There’s nothing wrong with any of this, of course, but have you considered you might not be really wanting a relationship right now? It seems to me you are in full-blown explorer mode, and setting down with a cocker spaniel and the white picket fence doesn’t really suit the explorer mindset.

Being in San Francisco, as you mentioned, you do have options for meeting folks. You can use one of the sketchy online hook-up services and just state flat out in your profile what you seek. The problem with such sites is that you’re advertising a fetish, not a personality. You may find the hottest trannie ever created, and discover you have nothing in common. You could also try personals. I’m sure eHarmony is right out, but there must be something besides Manhunt, right? Explore your options; that’s your forte.

If your relationship boredom is solely due to the “been there, done that” of one sexual partner, have you considered an open relationship? Find the right match for your personality: someone you’d like to share your bed with in the morning as well as at night. Someone you’d cook for, or who would cook for you. Find another explorer, FA. One who has interests similar to yours. Then, go and explore together.

If none of this seems to resonate, I could pull out some psychobabble about how you’re setting yourself up to look for something or someone that doesn’t exists, specifically so you don’t have to settle down and stop putting notches in your bedpost. I doubt that’s true, though, and only you could know for sure.

At any rate, happy hunting, play safe and I hope you find what you’re seeking.

Love,
Uncle Loquacious

If you would like your dating or male/female interaction questions answered, please send an email to loquacious@loquaciouscurmudgeon.net with the word “Advice” in the subject.

Remember, I might make fun of you.

Dear Uncle Loquacious,

Married to a Momma’s boy in Montana

Dear MMBIM,

First, let me get this out of the way: AAAAAAAAAAAAHahaha!!!

I don’t envy your position, unless perhaps you run a very strange fetish website, in which case, your husband and mother-in-law are cash cows.

Come to think of it, MMBIM, I think that’s your only option, short of filing for divorce, and then spending the rest of your life in a nunnery.

When life hands you lemons such as these, you just gotta make a stiff margarita and say, “What the fuck.”

So here’s what you do:

Next time your MIL comes for a visit, get a bunch of tiny webcams, then place them strategically about the house. Catch all that naughty action, then put the best video captures on a subscription-only webpage. Let me design it for you, and we can split the profits, then live out our lives in luxury somewhere near Cabo.

Either that, or keep the videos private and blackmail your husband for every dime he has.

Now that you know Victoria’s real secret, it’s entirely up to you. I’m sure, whatever you decide, you’ll make the right choise. I’ll be waiting for you in Acapulco.

Love,
Uncle Loquacious

This was the winning entry in my recent Entrecard contest. In fact, it was the only entrant, so the author of this post received all three prizes. See what you get when you ignore me? Nothing! That’s right, you rat bastards. Nada. Zilch. Zip. Squat.

Next time, pay attention.

If you would like your dating or male/female interaction questions answered, please send an email to loquacious@loquaciouscurmudgeon.net with the word “Advice” in the subject.

Remember, I might make fun of you.

Hello!

Now that you’re all finished watching those fab 80’s videos (though you shouldn’t be; I keep adding more!), it’s time to get down to business.

Because I’ve been enjoying writing letters of advice but haven’t received any requests for a while, and because I have way more Entrecard credits than I will ever use, I’ve decided to solve two problems with one brilliant solution:

My first ever Entrecard credit giveaway contest!

Every Dear Uncle Loquacious letter submitted by midnight (local time: GMT - 8:00 ) this coming Wednesday will be entered. I will pick the best three letters, and rank them accordingly. The first place winner will receive 1,000 credits on Entrecard. The second place will take 500, and third place will still get a very respectable 250 credits!

Can you believe how monumentally generous I am? Neither can I! Not bad, for an old curmudgeon, if I do say so myself.

Here are the official rules:

By submitting a letter to Dear Uncle Loquacious, you agree that I can actually use the letter on my site, whether you win the credits or not. I’m also free not to use the letter, as I see fit. So no whining about it later

Send in as many entries as you want. Winners will be picked on a purely personal set of criteria. Sending in one or two quality letters is probably a better strategy than sending in lots of one-liners.

This “contest” is purely for entertainment purposes. As such, I feel entirely free to consult with whoever I wish in making my winning selections.

In the event there are 3 or fewer entries, everyone entering is guaranteed at least one prize consisting entirely of Entrecard credits, and my undying love.

Winners will be selected this coming Thursday, and will be announced that same day. I will confirm via the email address you used to submit your letters, and will correspond with you to get the credits transferred to the Entrecard account of your choice. That means you can enter with the intention of giving the credits to someone else, because you’re supercool like that.

Yes! This is an entirely shameless attempt to get more people reading and participating on my blog. Deal!

Submit all entries to loquacious@loquaciouscurmudgeon.net by this coming Wednesday! Please clearly indicate you are entering the contest, not just sending in a letter because you desperately, desperately need my advice.

Have fun!

(HINT: If you want to know what type of thing I might be looking for, take a moment to read the Uncle Loquacious letters submitted to date.)

Dear Uncle Loquacious,

-Orgasmically Challenged in Ohio

Dear OCO,

Wow. Your husband sounds like a veritable Johnny Appleseed… minus the apples.

There are all sorts of relationships, of course, including marriages, some of which are “open” and some are “traditional”, which in this case, would probably mean monogamous.

I know that gay men are supposed to be hip and cool with the sexual and romantic relationships, but I confess I’m a bit old fashioned when it comes to marriage. Well, as old fashioned as one can be when one has a penchant for wild butt sex. But I’d like to approach this with a bit of objectivity.

To me, cheating implies breaking the rules, and the rules in any relationship should be set by all parties involved. Now, if the two of you entered into your marriage with the mutual belief you would be monogamous, then - to use highly clinical terminology - your husband is a big, fat, cheating, stinky liar pants.

Developing a romantic attachment to someone else is definitely cheating. Any proponent of gay marriage will tell you that marriage is about more than sex, which anyone should know by now. So, if your husband claims developing a romantic attachment based around emotional involvement with a person other than yourself isn’t cheating, he’s undermining the whole idea of marriage.

As to what type of sexual intercourse should be “allowed” as a non-cheating activity, that is up to both of you to decide. We’ve seen what happens to couples when one of them tries to settle upon a very non-traditional definition of a word. Take “is” for example. Next thing you know, people are making cigar jokes, and your spouse is running for President.

OK. Perhaps not the best example.

While I don’t think masturbation constitutes cheating, masturbation on a web cam chat with another live human being at the other end definitely does. You don’t own your husband’s genitalia, nor does he own yours, but the two of you have made a commitment, and if he’s spending more time trying to find loopholes in the marriage contract than he is working on the relationship with you, it might be time to find a better mate.

Or… super glue his willy to his thigh in the middle of the night.

Either option is valid, really.

As far as the coming at the same time thing goes, one can only boggle at the amount of experience he must have by now. The fact he still ejaculates prematurely indicates some sort of sexual dysfunction. I’m not sure which one, but there has to be one out there.

Put your foot down, OCO. Either directly on his privates, or just metaphorically. He’s too busy thinking like a fourteen year old boy to worry about your needs, and he needs to know that isn’t acceptable.

Either that, or hire a very sexy Latino gardener. (I’m not saying that to be racist… of course Latinos aren’t relegated to being the gardeners of this word; I just know that’s where my fantasy leads me.

Good luck, OCO. You’re going to need it.

Love,
Uncle Loquacious

If you would like your dating or male/female interaction questions answered, please send an email to loquacious@loquaciouscurmudgeon.net with the word “Advice” in the subject.

Remember, I might make fun of you.

Dear Uncle Loquacious,

Miss wants too much

Dear MWTM,

Normally, this would be a one word answer: Yes, your expectations are unrealistic. But perhaps that is too curt to be helpful. First, allow me to break down your list one item at a time and point out where the fantasies lie.

He must be over six foot tall, okay six foot minimum.

This isn’t really a shocker. Lots of women prefer tall men. I’m not sure if this is simply because it makes traditional slow-dancing so much easier, or perhaps it’s a spooning thing. There are plenty of tall guys out there, so by itself, this isn’t a problem. But what if you found that one guy who fulfilled every other item on your list, but he was only 5′2″?

He must have a toned but not overtly muscly physique. I like a nice back with broad shoulders.

This reads to me like you’re looking for a swimmer’s build. Lots of swimmers are both tall and defined, without being bulky.

He must be house trained as who wants a mummy’s boys.

See, men aren’t pets. If you want a guy that’s house trained, don’t be surprised if he throws newspapers on the floor, then piddles on them!

I know what you mean, though. Many men still don’t understand that having a spouse doesn’t mean having a maid. A man should not automatically expect a woman to wash his clothing, make his food and clean up his messes.

This item seems perfectly reasonable, but if you advertise it this way, your only responses are likely to be from men who secretly think they’re schnauzers. Consider asking for a man who enjoys doing his part (make sure you specify what his part is) of the household chores.

He must have a nice shaped head, yes head, as in head on top of his shoulders. No pea heads or Klingon’s please.

So much interpretation here! Personally, my favorite shape is a triangle, but I doubt you want someone with a head that looks like a wedge of cheese.

I think a statistically normal head is what you mean here, so you should be in the clear for the most part. Just don’t pick up dates at the circus or Star Trek conventions!

He must not be overtly hairy, some hair is good, but back hair is doesn’t work for me.

Hair can be problematic for many women. Of course, by the time you’re able to find this out, it may be an uncomfortable situation. Fortunately for you, your desire for a hairless back is much easier to solve with a hairy man than the other way around.

Regular shaving or hair removal products can solve this problem. Make him go to the salon so you don’t have to deal with it yourself.

He must be Intelligent, Neanderthals are good for heavy lifting and erm stuff, but not for producing good offspring.

Unless you’re holding out for Albert Einstein (who probably had crazy back hair) or Richard Feynman, you’re probably OK here. Consider giving him your phone number in a math equation form. What’s the cube of 12 minus the distance of the Earth from Venus in kilometers, for example.

Or, if your standards aren’t that high, ask him to count to 21 without removing his underwear.

He must be ambitious, this doesn’t mean a highly paid job just one that they love and want to do well in. That doesn’t include sitting on their arse all day doing nothing.

Sadly, I begin to suspect I am NOT your ideal man.

Ambitious as you’ve described it is good. If you find all your desired attributes but this one, consider putting pep pills into his breakfast food. This would, of course, mean that you’d have to be the one cooking breakfast, so perhaps that’s out.

He must understand my addiction to the internet.

Date a web developer or a gamer. This one’s easy.

He must like sport, but is not allowed to be obsessed.

That’s fair. I know plenty of men who enjoy sports without the need to have a picture of David Beckham on the backside of their tighty whities. To find out if your man is such a one, go through all his closets to find things like football jerseys or other clothing items emblazoned with team names or numbers. Find the percentage of such items as they relate to his entire wardrobe. If this is larger than 5%, run like hell.

He must like hiking, but also needs to know how to put up a tent as I am rubbish.

Hmm… I’m starting to think you may secretly be looking for slave labor! You want a man to do all the typically masculine things, but you don’t want to do all the typically feminine things. This just won’t work unless you first turn your man into a zombie.

I should warn you, zombies typically have very hairy backs.

He must be able to fix things, I will let him be the man around the house as long as I am in charge really.

See above re: slave labor.

This is an expectation I see from women more and more. You want men to do all those icky, tediously mechanical or gross plumbing tasks that are beneath you, but asking you to wash his t-shirts makes him a momma’s boy. This is silly, so stop it.

If you can’t be bothered to pick up a reciprocal saw, don’t expect him to pick up a frying pan.

Also, if you need to be in charge, you might try changing your profession to dominatrix. In my ideal relationship, neither person is “in charge”. It’s all about reciprocity… (not that saw kind… unless things go horribly wrong!)

He must want to travel all over the world.

I think the Travelocity gnome is available; he’s rarely photographed with women.

Traveling is lovely, but it requires a large amount of money and free-time. Unless you marry a millionaire, you’re going to have to do without many mod-coms at home. That’s not a problem as long as you understand it.

Or, you could find the one straight male flight attendant out there, and make him yours!

He must be environmentally conscious.

So oil magnates are out then?

He must like reading.

This one should be easy, since you’ve already specified he must be intelligent. I don’t know any smart people who dislike reading.

He must be experienced, nudge nudge wink wink, but not a man ho.

I think finding a mate who cares about his partner’s pleasure will fulfill this need nicely. Being good in the sack is less about how many times one has been in the sack, and more about really wanting to give one’s partner as much pleasure as possible.

He must be romantic in a non cheesy way.

One man’s cheese is another man’s treasure. You’ll need to be much more specific about this particular item. For instance, my idea of romance is champagne, a wrestling mat and jockstraps. I doubt you’d agree.

Romance is a very personal thing, and I know lots of people (of either gender) want their partners to woo them without having to tell them how. On the other hand, if you really need “no cheeses”, you’ll probably have to drop some hints, such as: Flowers are fine, but flowers and teddy bears delivered by a grown man in a cupid outfit are right out.

He must not be a racist, homophobe, xenophobe, any kind of phobe.

Right on! Do not date men who cut eyeholes in their sheets, for starters. Fortunately, the world has come a long way in this regard, though it obviously has a much longer way to go.

Many of these items are perfectly reasonable. Some of them are utterly silly, sorry to be so blunt. I’d suggest you make a list of how you yourself might rate in a similar list and think about what you have to offer, as well as what you’d like to attract.

On the other hand, though I rarely play Yenta, and I realize your letter was general, I have found the perfect man for you.

You know I’m right, so don’t waste time. Get him before someone else does!

Love,
Uncle Loquacious

If you would like your dating or male/female interaction questions answered, please send an email to loquacious@loquaciouscurmudgeon.net with the word “Advice” in the subject.

Remember, I might make fun of you.